Finally the incredibly long off-season is coming to an end and will have real meaningful NFL/EBFL football on Thursday night. It’s been another relatively quiet off-season with Scotty being on vacation every other week and Laker back to playing Super Series. Not a lot of deals were made as most teams seem pretty set in the direction they’re headed and weren’t willing to make moves. Plus we just have 3 or 4 teams that don’t make moves – probably because they see how well some of the teams that make a buttload of moves have ended up.
There have been a couple major injuries this preseason that will no doubt affect some team’s performance and test their depth, but thankfully we haven’t had a real rash of injuries like we seem to have had the past few seasons. Jerick McKinnon and Hunter Henry are the two biggest that come to mind right now, and while both held great potential, neither could necessarily be considered studs at this point.
The last few seasons we’ve had predictions from computer models knowing all players and match ups as well as a magic 8 ball and neither were overly reliable, so this season I’m going to make my own predictions. Even if they’re awful it’s just par for the course, and if I shit on your team you can use it as motivation to not suck (I’m looking at you McKay). Feel free to agree or disagree in the comments.
In alphabetical order:
1. Chalupa Batman (11th, 4-10 – 14VP)
The Chalupas took a big step backwards in 2017 after back to back finals appearances, finishing 2nd last and making their first appearance in the Frittata Bowl. They have a few studs and some premium picks to acquire more talent, but the Jerick McKinnon injury really makes things interesting at running back where they have a couple guys likely to begin the year as starters, but that could eventually be challenged by high rookie picks. They still have a solid defense and should be able to win a few games, but I’m not sure they’re a legitimate contender unless they go out and acquire some more talent on the offensive side of the ball with those picks, or a couple of those middling WR step up, they’re in tough in their division. If they were in the Taco Corp, they’re likely in the playoffs as a 3 seed. As it stands right now, they’re likely battling to finish somewhere between 5th and 8th. A bump up from last year, but not quite back to the top of the heap.
Key Player(s): Barber/Carson/Drake – At least 2 of these guys are going to have to get a big share of their teams carries for the Chalupas to have success this season.
Will the Chalupas make the playoffs: As it stands right now, No. The division is too tough, unless one of the other teams blows it up early and they’d still likely have to move off some of those firsts to acquire the talent to do so.
2. Deadly Nagintas (8th, 5-9 – 24 VP)
The Skinny: The Nagintas missed the playoffs again in 2017 while avoiding their first Frittata Bowl appearance. After owning over half the first round in the 2017 draft, they now have several studs on the offense and look to have reasonable depth if some of those second year guys can contribute significantly. Tight End is the biggest question mark for the squad with 3 guys that have lower half TE1 potential, but it’s anyone’s guess if that gets realized. The Naginta defense is pretty solid, especially with the Chandler Jones move back to DE, and a pair of top 6 LB. The defensive backfield is full of questions, but who cares – it’s DB. The NFL doesn’t pay safeties, so they must not matter, right? The Nagintas will need some schedule luck to compete for another division crown and/or title shot, but the talent is there.
Key Player(s): Davis/Gordon/M. Williams – The Nagintas will need a couple of these guys to put up WR2/3 type numbers to be a legit contender.
Will the Nagintas make the playoffs: Yes – They should be battling for a division title and first round Bye.
3. Endzone Dancers (12th, 3-11 – 13 VP)
The Dancers were league worst in the regular season in 2017 and very well could be again in 2018. They have a pair of decent QB and that’s probably the only position they feel comfortable at. RB and WR they’re hard pressed to roll out starting calibre players to fill the base spots let alone the flex. If you catch the Dancers on the weeks Thielen and Mixon have their Byes, just pencil in your Win right now. They’re still rolling with 3 tackles on the D Line. Have to think their ticket is already punched for the Frittata Bowl, and could very well end up taking it down this season. Hopefully McKay has a John Gruden type contract, because he should probably be looking for a new gig based on this disaster.
Key Player(s): Adam Thielen – another solid year could make him decent trade bait since he’ll be in his 30s before the Dancers smell the playoffs.
Will the Dancers make the playoffs: Hahahahaha.
4. Fear Boners (5th, 8-6 – 31 VP)
The Boners were a playoff team again in 2017, despite a season-long injury to their top player. They look to take the next step in 2018 with a playoff win. They’ll get stud RB David Johnson back, Larry Fitzgerald doesn’t seem to age, and that LB corps can match up with any in the league. The key to the Boners success could be offensive depth. The Marqise Lee injury and another Martavis Bryant drug issue really hurts, and now they’ll need a couple guys to step up that likely weren’t expected to in order to contend. Who knows, maybe this is the year Laquon Treadwell figures out NFL football. The 3rd year used to be when a WR broke out, so it’s still possible, I guess. Khalil Mack getting traded and likely bumped back to LB doesn’t help, but the Boners are pretty set at the position without him.
Key Player(s): Stills/Parker/Treadwell – One of these guys is really going to have to exceed expectations for the Boners to get their first division title.
Will the Boners make the playoffs: This one will be tight, but they should be in barring another major injury. The division games will be huge for the Boners, Bandits and Nagintas.
5. Greg Schiano is an Idiot (1st, 11-3 – 39 VP)
The Idiots were the top team in the regular season last year, but just like the last time they were the 1 seed got stomped in the playoffs to the eventual Champion. The Idiots are set at the running back position and they’ll go as their stud RB go. The WR on the active roster are fighting through injuries and suspension, so they may need re-inforcements from their taxi squad where they have a couple intriguing players stashed. For some reason they’re also rostering 7 TE in a league that isn’t TE premium, that’s seriously questionable, especially considering who some of them are. The defense is solid and a full season out of a healthy JJ Watt could make it one of the elite units in the league.
Key Player(s): Alshon Jeffery – How and when he returns from his shoulder surgery could be key to the Idiots season.
Will the Idiots make the playoffs: They should. They’ll have to get really unlucky with the schedule or injuries to be kept out.
6. Knuckle Ballers (10th, 5-9 – 18 VP)
The Ballers had a rough 2017 season, but things are looking up in 2018 with the addition of stud RB Saquon Barkley. The Ballers return a pretty solid defense, and the offense is coming around. The biggest question will be the pass catchers. They have a pair they can count on in Adams and Diggs, but after that it will be up to a rejuvenated Manny Sanders and a number of young players to step up and fill the void that left them on the outside last year. This team is improving, and they’re in the right division to have a shot at a playoff run.
Key Player(s): Saquon Barkley – Back to back years of the Ballers counting on a Giants RB. I like his chances a little better for success over Perkins.
Will the Ballers make the playoffs: It will be a tight race between them and another Taco Corp team for the division, but we think the lack of depth will cost them the spot. No.
7. Long Snappers (6th, 7-7 – 27 VP)
The Snappers are the epitome of mediocrity in the EBFL, always finishing the regular season somewhere between 4th and 8th (by the current VP set up), with only one early playoff exit on their resume. They tend to load up on WR and LB, and just hope the rest of the squad is good enough to make them a competitor. Unfortunately, this season even the WR are somewhat of a question mark as they have Allen Robinson coming off a knee injury, Brandin Cooks in an offense that spreads the ball around and Sammy Watkins as 3rd or 4th option in KC at best. They’ll need continued improvement out of Funchess and Juju to get back to where they need to be. They tried to address their dismal RB position in the draft, but Penny has spent most of the preseason with a cast on and Kerryon could be in a 3 headed committee. Even the usually solid D is full of question marks. It’s looking very likely they end up on the lower half of their range this year.
Key Player(s): Pick a RB, any RB – The Snappers playoff hopes are going to come down to this position yet again. At least a couple of the 13 rostered will have to have solid years for them to reach the dance.
Will the Snappers make the playoffs: This one is tough. They could sneak in to the last Wild Card spot, but I don’t think they’re going to be able to cobble together enough at RB to do so. No.
8. Loose Bandits (2nd, 10-4 – 38 VP)
The Bandits went out and earned their first division title in 2017, but fell flat in the playoffs, eventually losing to the Taco Corp’s sole entry in the playoffs. I guess that was Karma biting them in the ass for all of the shit talk about the division. The team has improved every season, working their way from 10th, to 6th, to 4th and then 2nd. Will this year be the year they finally break through in the playoffs? They have some serious studs (albeit aging ones) in Bell, Brown and Jones and a respectable defense, but depth and the flex spots are going to be what makes or breaks this squad. If they don’t get out to a solid start, it might be time to blow it up. Mo has talked about moving his big 3 before, but it’s going to be tougher to get what he thinks they’re worth as both WR will be 30 by the SuperBowl and who knows what happens with Bell next season.
Key Player(s): Jeremy Hill – The 2nd RB spot is still the biggest downfall for this squad. If Bell actually holds out into the season, it’s even more dire.
Will the Bandits make the playoffs: Yes, but the first round Bye will be tougher to achieve this season.
9. Rex in the City (9th, 6-8 – 19 VP)
The Rexes are the most decorated squad in the Taco Corp with a pair of division crowns and an Igloo Bowl title. Those seasons are all pretty far in the rear view at this point and this roster is built on 2 or 3 studs and not much else. Their best WR are pretty much Flex plays on most teams and outside of Kamara, there isn’t much to get excited about at the RB position. That Guice injury was devastating to their chances at winning the Taco Corp and the default playoff spot that comes with it. At this point they’re just playing to try and stay out of their 3rd Frittata Bowl.
Key Player(s): DJ Moore – He’s going to need to grow into a solid player for the Rexes to have any future hope, as there isn’t much in the present.
Will the Rexes make the playoffs: That’s a hard no.
10. San Juan Bananas (3rd, 10-4 – 38 VP)
The Bananas are always in the playoff mix, and have made it 3 out of 4 years, but are still looking for their first playoff win. All of those playoff runs have let an aging squad without much depth on offense and 3 QB who could all pack it in at the end of 2018. The RB corps has went to complete shit with only 3 guys currently on an NFL roster. The defense is pretty solid (although they’ve lost some significant LB) and they’re set at TE, but WR is relying on a number of guys whose best days are behind them. It may be time for this squad to be blown up, although I’m not sure there are any pieces that will return enough to really jump start a rebuild.
Key Player(s): Gronk – Is he able to stay healthy enough to be the huge positional advantage (and possible trade chip) that he has been in the past?
Will the Bananas make the playoffs: I don’t think so. The whole at RB is tough to overcome (ask the Snappers) so unless a couple significant moves are made, the Bananas will be bruised.
11. Tom Selleck’s Moustache (4th, 9-5 – 37 VP)
The first two-time Igloo champ looks solid again this season with talent and depth all over the field. This squad looks like the team to beat again in 2018, especially after some solid relocations and Andrew Luck returning to being able to throw a football. Despite some decent competition in the division the Stache should walk away with the division crown that eluded them in 2017, and be a tough out in the playoffs. Smitty’s poor luck over the first couple seasons has really flipped over the past 2. We could be witnessing the first real EBFL dynasty.
Key Player(s): Odell Beckham Jr. – Smitty won the title without him and Luck last season. A return to 2016 form for OBJ could make this squad untouchable.
Will the Stache make the playoffs: Book it.
12. What Does John Fox Say (7th, 6-8 – 26 VP)
WDJFS, despite being only the 8th best team in the league in both scoring and standings, made a surprise Igloo Bowl appearance in 2017 getting waxed by the Stache. This after 2 seasons of being the worst squad in the league. Scotty has put together an intriguing squad with several guys that could make the leap in 2018. There isn’t a lot of stud type players outside of 2 great young QB and loaded young LB, but there could be enough talent to win the division again.
Key Player(s): Henry/Lewis – Knowing how to play this backfield each week could be key to a return trip to the playoffs.
Will the WDJFS make the playoffs: Yes, they’ll take the division and earn the 3 seed and try to underdog their way to another final.
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