Football is finally back this week, as the chase for Igloo Bowl IV gets underway beginning on Thursday. Rosters are pretty much set after what was the slowest off-season in EBFL history, and it’s time to find out whose moves have paid off. At first glance, it appears each division looks to be quite different. One division looks to be loaded with easily the most top 5 players at each position and will be a slugfest, while another is likely only in the running for a playoff spot by default, and could put 3 teams in the Frittata Bowl. The third looks like a total crapshoot with any of the 4 teams being capable of making a serious run, or completely flaming out.
The computers haven’t been the greatest predictors the past couple seasons (look at last years, where Boners were picked to finish last and made the playoffs while WDJFS was picked 2nd, and they ended up being the Frittata), so this year we’re going to go to the Magic 8 Ball to see who is going to make the playoffs, and more importantly who is going to be crowned Igloo Bowl Champion.
Here’s a quick rundown of each team’s chances this year. The Magic 8 Ball has picked 6 squads to make the playoffs, 3 to definitely be out and 3 the answers weren’t overly clear. Unfortunately for the Magic 8 Ball, one of the 6 teams picked will have to miss as someone from the Taco Corp has to make it. That said, the computers may have met their match looking at the answers.
1. Knuckle Ballers ()
Will the Ballers make the playoffs: My sources say no
The Skinny: The Ballers have a pretty solid defense, but the offense is nothing but question marks. Can Dak Prescott avoid the sophomore slump? Can Christian MacCaffery run between the tackles and be a true bell-cow? Can any Denver QB get the ball in the hands of DT? Ultimately someone has to take this division, and it could be the Ballers, but the Magic 8 Ball doesn’t see that happening, being the most emphatic no of the group.
Key Player: Paul Perkins – Will he get a real opportunity to run away with the RB1 role for the Giants (and maybe the Ballers). The Ballers are light at RB, so they’re going to need significant contributions from the few they have.
2. Greg Schiano is an Idiot ()
Will the Idiots make the playoffs: My sources say no
The Skinny: The Idiots have a pretty solid roster on paper, but that entire WR corps is made of glass and could make or break the Idiots season. Well, that and when and if Zeke Elliot has to sit out some games. It sounds like he’ll be available to start the season, but who knows what ends up happening with this. It could hang over the Idiots head all season, and spring up bite them in the ass at the most inopportune time.
Key Player: Ezekial Elliot – He could play all season, or the NFL could put him on the exempt list, keeping him off the field entirely.
3. San Juan Bananas ()
Will the Bananas make the playoffs: Don’t count on it
The Skinny: I’m not really sure what to think about the Bananas this year. That group of running backs doesn’t inspire much confidence and there doesn’t appear to be a WR1 in the bunch. They do have 2 of the top 8 TE, although they’re also 2 of the most injury prone, so this all could collapse in a hurry. The Magic 8 Ball doesn’t think they’re headed back to the dance, and we pretty much have to agree that this house of cards is about to collapse.
Key Player: Carlos Hyde – The 49ers didn’t like him, then they did. The Bananas don’t even seem overly confident in their back either as they’ve constantly been trying to deal him. Maybe he has some of that Terrence Williams stench on him now.
4. What Does John Fox Say ()
Will the WDJFS make the playoffs: Reply hazy try again
The Skinny: Coming off being the worst team in the league, WDJFS seem to have put themselves in a position to climb to the top of that shit-show of a division. The offense is decent, despite being pretty long in the tooth, so they’ll have to hope age doesn’t creep up on some guys too quickly. The defense, on the other hand, is a huge question mark. Building the back end around corners tends to make for serious boom or bust weeks, and newly acquired Jaylon Smith is probably the only backer with LB1 potential. The Magic 8 Ball doesn’t seem to know what to do with this division as it was pretty wishy-washy on 3 teams, with a no on the other.
Key Player: Marshawn Lynch/Adrian Peterson – These old-ball mother-fuckers are going to need to turn back time in order for WDJFS to contend for a playoff spot.
5. Rex in the City ()
Will the Rexes make the playoffs: Better not tell you now
The Skinny: The Rexes have fallen a long way from their Igloo Bowl I days, and in any other division would be considered a walk-over, but this is the Taco Corp where anything is possible because everyone else sucks too. Outside of Matt Ryan and Jordy Nelson, there is no one on that offense I have significant confidence in. The defense is a little more solid, but can it carry the rest of the squad? I’m not sure that it can.
Key Player: Alvin Kamara – If he gets a significant role early, it could be huge for the Rexes, as it gets him points, and ensures the NO backs on WDJFS aren’t scoring.
6. Endzone Dancers ()
Will the Dancers make the playoffs: Reply hazy try again
The Skinny: I’m not sure what the Magic 8 Ball is confused about with this squad, as it’s a complete disaster from top to bottom. There are a few good young players to potentially build around, but this team has a ton of work to do and is much closer to being the 2017 Frittata than making the playoffs, even in this division. They already weren’t the greatest looking squad, but have been ravaged by injury before the season even starts. It’s not too often you see someone build their DL with nothing but defensive tackles. The back end of the defense has some serious potential though.
Key Player: Joe Mixon – Not so much for this year, but for the future of this squad. 2017 is already a write-off, so it’s all about seeing the young guys grow and improve.
7. The Fear Boners ()
Will the Boners make the playoffs: You may rely on it
The Skinny: The Boners continue to get better, with the huge rookie seasons from Jordan Howard and Michael Thomas and getting Martavis Bryant back. The defense is solid, they have one of the best players in the game in David Johnson. They don’t have a ton of depth on offense, so navigating bye weeks successfully and staying healthy will be key to getting out of the Senor Frogs division.
Key Player: Jordan Howard – He will need to repeat his performance from 2016 for the Boners to have a shot at going deep.
8. The Long Snappers ()
Will the Snappers make the playoffs: You may rely on it
The Skinny: Of the 6 squads the Magic 8 Ball picked, this is the one I have the least confidence in, and either ends up being behind all 4 Senor Frogs squads or flip flopping with the Bananas or Idiots. They don’t have a single surefire starter at running back, and while they do have some solid talent at WR, they aren’t deep at the position whatsoever. The defense is full of unrealized potential so they could be a solid unit, or they could be a complete train wreck and cost the Snappers a shot at the playoffs.
Key Player: Sammy Watkins – You could probably pick any RB since they don’t really have one, but Sammy Watkins will need a return to health and some chemistry with Goff or he’s going to fall off a cliff in value.
9. Chalupa Batman ()
Will the Chalupas make the playoffs: Without a doubt
The Skinny: The Chalupas were a surprise team last year, winning the regular season after completing a massive overhaul the previous off-season. On paper, they’re not the scariest team, but with a solid defense and Aaron Rodgers, anything is possible. They still have AJ Green and fell into a potential stud starter in Kareem Hunt, but after that, it could be smoke and mirrors getting this team back to the Championship game for the 3rd straight season.
Key Player: Jimmy Graham – If Jimmy Graham can get back to being a positional advantage, it will make it a lot easier for the Chalupas and their compliment of WR 2/3s.
10. Deadly Nagintas ()
Will the Nagintas make the playoffs: Signs point to yes
The Skinny: The Nagintas missed the playoffs in 2016 after a championship season, in the quest to own the entire first round of the draft, but may be back in contention in 2017 if some of those early picks pan out. The team also went out and upgraded at QB with the GOAT. The defense is a bit of a question mark, outside of a couple players and the Nagintas will need them to contribute quickly if they want to return to the promised land.
Key Player: Pick a Rookie RB – The Nagintas have 6 of them on the roster, at least one or two will have to contribute in 2017 for the Nagintas to make a run.
11. Tom Selleck’s Moustache ()
Will the Stache make the playoffs: Without a doubt
The Skinny: The defending champ looks to be back in the dance with a solid squad pretty much from top to bottom. They have Mariota to withstand the Luck injury, a solid stable of stud RB, and one of the top WR in the game. Their LB corps is probably the biggest question mark, and even there they have a couple top end players. At this point, the Stache and the Bandits have to be considered the favourites.
Key Player: Joey Bosa – The stud DL could be a real difference maker this season, after scratching the surface last year, following a rookie hold out.
12. Loose Bandits ()
Will the Bandits make the playoffs: As I see it yes
The Skinny: The Bandits underachieved last season, coming up short in their quest for both their first division title and a championship, mainly because of a lack of depth outside of their big 3 at WR. They still have some pretty solid talent, but the rest of the division has improved around them so they’ll have their work cut out for them again. Does their window rely on Big Ben staying in the league? They best hope not as it looks like this may be his final year, which would make it do or die time for the Bandits.
Key Player: Ameer Abdullah – RB2/3 is still the biggest question mark for the Bandits, one you’d think they would have addressed after coming up short last season.
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