Welcome back, chumps.
After a long off-season, real football finally arrived this weekend and laid waste to much of the pre-season bluster. The team picked to finish last by the computers in the Pre-Season Commish Report, ended up getting a divisional win and a scoring VP, while the team picked to finish 2nd got stomped and finds themselves looking up at everyone else in the standings. There with some close games (with the Stache finally catching a bit of a break), and some blowouts. All in all, everyone is happy that football is back. They may not be happy with their teams, but they just have to remember, they did it to themselves.
Matchups
1-0 San Juan Bananas (238.10) – 0-1 Long Snappers (154.34)
The Bananas are in the driver’s seat in the Yobagoya division this season after a huge win over the Snappers. They got solid performances all over the field, especially at LB and WR, with a hat tip to off-season acquisition AJ Green for a huge game. Getting rid of Terrence Williams could be the difference the Bananas need to be a serious contender. The Snappers are already digging themselves into a giant hole, and it’s going to be tough to come out of with absolutely nothing at the RB position, and the possible loss of Sammy Watkins. You heard it here first, the Snappers are going to be in the Frittata Bowl.
1-0 Tom Selleck’s Moustache (194.15) – 0-1 Greg Schiano is an Idiot (193.49)
The Stache held off the Idiots by a pencil-thin margin, and probably can’t breathe easy about this one until at least Thursday when scoring revisions are locked in. But for now, they can savour a little flavour of victory. Andrew Luck and a much-improved defence carried the team to their first opening week victory in team history. The Idiots definitely let one get away here, with Keenan Allen injury and JJ Watt underperformance costing them a chance at the win. The entire WR corps has to be considered a disappointment at this point.
1-0 Loose Bandits (253.00) – 0-1 Deadly Nagintas (201.27)
The Bandits continued their recent dominance of the Nagintas, cruising to a 50 point victory on the backs of pretty much their entire offence. There were no record performances, they were just solid across the board. The Nagintas lost, but still managed to pick up a pair of scoring VP with the 3rd highest score on the week. The Nagintas defence looks to be solid again, but the offence will have to pick it up to have any shot at repeating as champions.
1-0 Fear Boners (193.24) – 0-1 Chalupa Batman (180.51)
The Boners took a bite out of the Chalupas with a 12 point victory in this match-up, defeating their division rival for the first time in 5 tries. The Boners picked up significant contributions from David Johnson, Eric Kendricks and the ageless Larry Fitzgerald, who may or may not retire. I think we’re still waiting for Mo to decide whether he is or isn’t. The Chalupas don’t have a terrible lineup, but there isn’t a pile of elite talent and it is what it is. They should consistently score in the middle tier of teams, which likely won’t get it done enough to be a playoff team.
1-0 Endzone Dancers (174.24) – 0-1 Knuckle Ballers (164.14)
The Dancers come away with the 2 points in this divisional match-up, which turned out to be the opposite of the Nagintas/Bandits. Two bottom 4 scores where, unfortunately, one team had to win. I think it’s going to be a long season for the Taco Corp. CJ Anderson was the only real bright spot for the Dancers, while the Ballers were let down by pretty much their entire offence. Anyone think of a reason why they would start 3 DE? I mean, Zach Kerr…really?
1-0 Rex in the City (199.78) – 0-1 What Does John Fox Say (148.22)
Welcome back, Rexes. The Rexes came out firing early and often against WDJFS, who were projected to win the division in the pre-season. Only one offensive player didn’t reach double digits, and while there were no huge games, that consistency is tough to beat. The only real poor performance was Anthony Barr with under 3 points. WDJFS was behind the 8 ball heading into this one, with no Gronk available, but he still had Bennett and Barnidge available. Unfortunately, they combined for 2.9 points. It could be a rough year if many of these old ass mofo’s Scotty is rostering start seeing a moderate decline in performance.
Week 1 Awards
Offensive Player of the Week
DeAngelo Williams (Loose Bandits) – The future 2nd stringer takes advantage of his 1st of 3 opportunities to be useful. He put up over 170 all-purpose yards, 2 TD and even a tackle for good measure.
Defensive Player of the Week
Kwon Alexander (Deadly Nagintas) – Alexander returns from suspension and is all over the field with 15 solos, 2 assists, 2 TFL and a sack. Just beasting. Lavonte who?
Rookie of the Week
Ezekial Elliott (Greg Schiano is an Idiot) – Several rookies put up bigger games, but Zeke was the top starter, with a reasonable 11.7 point performance. It wasn’t quite the start everyone was expecting from the #1 pick, but it takes home the award.
Goat of the Week
JJ Watt (Greg Schiano is an Idiot) – This is the tough part with star players playing injured. If they’re in the game, you have to start them, but you open yourself up for performances like this. Under a point in a 0.66 point loss.
Pickup of the Week
Marshawn Lynch – Will he unretire? I doubt it, but the rest of the pick-ups this week were inconsequential, so at least it’s a hot topic.
Bench Player of the Week
Theo Riddick (San Juan Bananas) – His 26.90 points were the best by any non-QB on the bench this week. The Boners really could have used him in a 10 point loss.
Bonehead Coaching Move of the Week
Dan Moore (Greg Schiano is an Idiot) – I don’t think many people would have started Tyler Lockett over Kelvin Benjamin. It was a costly mistake as the Idiots drop a close one.
Playoff Odds
- Loose Bandits (96.1%) —
- San Juan Bananas (74.6%) +1
- Rex in the City (67.1%) +4
- Greg Schiano is an Idiot (65.7%) +1
- Chalupa Batman (59.6%) +4
- Deadly Nagintas (55.5%) +2
- Long Snappers (41.2%) +2
- Endzone Dancers (40.0%) -2
- What Does John Fox Say (36.3%) -7
- Tom Selleck’s Moustache (32.5%) -6
- Knuckle Ballers (24.8%) —
- Fear Boners (14.2%) —
The Bandits remain at the top of the playoff odds race, while the Bananas jumped up into the 2nd position. The biggest dropper this week was WDJFS who went from 2nd down to 9th, after putting up the fewest points in the league. The Boners win, pick up 3 VP in total and have their odds drop. That’s probably a testament to the rest of the division being strong, with 3 projected playoff teams. The Stache were in a similar circumstance, dropping a whopping 6 spots, despite their victory over one of the top teams. Maybe the computers just assume it will be reversed. The Chalupas and Rexes were the week’s biggest jumpers, each climbing 4 spots in the rankings.
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