After a long off-season with plenty of wheeling and dealing, draft picks and waiver claims, it’s that time we’ve all been waiting for! Week 1, where we get to see if all of the blood, sweat and tears we’ve put into our teams from February to August has paid off. Everyone is sitting on equal footing in the standings, and we get to see which teams ‘are who we thought they were‘, and who are legitimate contenders to knock off the Rexes for the EBFL crown.
Here’s a quick run down of each team’s chances this year in worst to first fashion. I’ve included their chances of making the playoffs (P), and winning a championship (C). Good luck, bitches!
1. The Fear Boners (P – 0.87%, C – 0.02%)
The Skinny: The Boners just aren’t good. Going old in the start up and then having half the team get injured has come back to bite them in the ass in a hurry. They do have several interesting young players, but most of their guys that could be impact players are still a year or two away most likely, so patience will be key. They appear to be loaded at WR, and will likely look to move Stevie and Fitz to contenders at some point. Jason Pierre-Paul didn’t do the squad any favours by sending a finger sky high. If the Boners manage to squeak out a pair of wins this year, I’ll be impressed. They’re definitely the favourite in the Frittata derby.
Key Player: Devante Parker – Parker is going to be a player in the league, but unfortunately an injury has already set him back in year one. He could be the focal point of this squad in 2017, if they’re able to make a turnaround.
2. What Does John Fox Say (P – 2.91%, C – 0.10%)
The Skinny: WDJFS was probably the most active manager in the off-season, making a pile of moves in an effort to quickly rebuild what was a playoff team in 2014. Unfortunately the only position this team appears to be set at is QB, where they didn’t make any changes. They’re relying heavily on untested and retread running backs, and a mess of WR3 talents on offense, and the defense is weak all over. They do have many of the top corners in the game, but that doesn’t always translate to fantasy success with their boom or bust nature. Even in the worst division in the EBFL, this club is going nowhere in 2015.
Key Player: Todd Gurley – Is he a generational talent in the AP mould (you know, like T Rich was 3 years ago)? Who knows, but we’ll likely have to wait a while to find out. Can Scott be patient enough for Gurley to carry this team back to the promised land, or will he be shipped out in another boredom trade?
3. The Long Snappers (P – 10.1%, C – 0.51%)
The Skinny: The Snappers have several nice pieces to build around, mainly on defense, where they should be a top 4 or 5 team in the league. Unfortunately the offense is severely lacking in both quality and depth at this point. I do like what they’ve done at the RB position, but they could be well out of playoff contention by the time some of these guys get a chance to step up and show what they can do. After ARob and Watkins the receiving corps is one questions mark after another, and I’m still scratching my head on the Crabtree acquisition. I think Laker said it best: “Adding Crabtree to a rebuild is like putting spinners on a Ford Focus”. While on the automotive theme, they have an outside shot at keeping the licence plates for a 2nd season.
Key Player: Matt Ryan – If he goes down, they’re pretty much screwed…well, more than they already are. Tyrod Taylor is not leading them to fantasy glory.
4. Endzone Dancers (P – 26.4%, C – 1.79%)
The Skinny: The Dancers have done some good things in the off-season, and they’re definitely a better team now than they were last year. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean much, and they’ll be battling with division rival Ballers to stay out of the Frittata Bowl. They have one of the better WR corps in the league, to go with a have decent set of current/future TE. There’s a whole lot of nothing at RB though barring a lot of injuries to guys in front of his, and while the defense looks solid, they aren’t even rostering enough linemen to start. I have a feeling McKay may be featured a fair bit in bonehead coaching moves again this year.
Key Player: Brandin Cooks – Scotty is definitely not a height supremacist, as his 3 top wideouts are all barely taller than Mo. Cooks leads the group, and could very well be a top 10 WR this year if he manages to stay in one piece.
5. Knuckle Ballers (P – 29.8%, C – 1.81%)
The Skinny: I may have been too soon writing off this team early in the off-season. The projections don’t like this team very much, but he has enough talent, and a crappy ass division to possibly sneak into the playoffs. There’s next to no depth, so they’ll definitely have to stay healthy to even have a shot. Getting Brady back for the entire season may have saved this team from Frittata contention. I wonder if there are any more Williams’ he could fit on his defensive line?
Key Player: Tom Brady – This team was looking at Kirk Cousins or Josh McCown starting the first five weeks. If that doesn’t make Brady the key to the Ballers season, I’m not sure what would. Brady may also be the key to the Idiots season, since without him, who knows what you get from Gronk.
6. Loose Bandits (P – 30.3%, C – 3.16%)
The Skinny: The Bandits are putting together a strong team, but they’re likely still a year away, especially after dealing Alshon to their division rivals. Having 5 matchups against the top 3 teams in the league, are going to make it real tough to get into the playoffs. The defense is much improved, but there’s zero offensive depth, and their WR3 and flex spots are going to be ugly as they hope to hit on the right players each week.
Key Player: Le’Veon Bell – One of the best in the game is already missing a pair of games to start the year, but they luck out with the Boners in week 1, so that may not kill their year. He could single handedly keep them from the Frittata Bowl.
7. Tom Selleck’s Moustache (P – 56.7%, C – 6.00%)
The Skinny: This team still rosters Trent Richardson. That’s all you need to know about their championship aspirations. Smitty has a quality offensive club, and a good enough defense to be a playoff team. He should have been in the mix last year, but injuries derailed his season early. His offensive starters match up well with pretty much every team in the league, but any injury to an offensive starter could spell disaster. The Stache should be a playoff team this year, but will need to have a lot go right, or make a big move to contend for a championship.
Key Player: LeSean McCoy – While Luck and Beckham are his best players, this team will go as Shady goes. If he’s healthy and Rex uses him effectively this is a much different team than the alternative; one that none of the top teams will feel comfortable playing in any week.
8. Rex in the City (P – 81.0%, C – 12.1%)
The Skinny: The defending champs have already been hit hard with injuries to a pair of key contributors, and have gone down a notch in the rankings as a result. They still have hands down the best defense in the league, and studs all over the field. Their WR took a huge hit with Jordy done for the year. They’re old, and the upside just isn’t there week in and week out. Fortunately for the Rexes, their division has gone from the toughest to complete garbage, and they should still cruise into the playoffs. After that, their defense will likely have to be the difference.
Key Player: Aaron Rodgers – There are plenty of guys that will have to step up for the Rexes to compete, but none more than Rodgers, which isn’t necessarily a lock after he lost his #1 target from a year ago.
9. San Juan Bananas (P – 84.0%, C – 14.8%)
The Skinny: San Juan should be battling for the division crown again this year, and has probably the best stable of RB in the league. He has some decent high end talent at other positions, but while the defense is solid, it’s not without question marks. Their top few players at both LB and DB are coming off significant injury, and it’s anyone’s guess if that slows them down a step, or they remain the players they were prior to getting hurt. Somehow Terrence Williams is still on this roster, despite Bobber’s best efforts.
Key Player: Terrance Williams – just because Bobber hasn’t taken enough shit about him yet. In reality his season likely hinges on the health of Johnson, since he also is likely to roll our Stafford as his main QB.
10. Chalupa Batman (P – 87.3%, C – 17.0%)
The Skinny: To be honest I’m not sure how the Chalupas aren’t favoured over their division rival Nagintas. They have plenty of talent at all of the offensive positions and a good enough defense to content for a title. Their only real question mark is on the defensive line, where currently they are probably league worst, although it’s the lowest scoring position across the board, so probably not a huge worry. The Chalupas are probably the most set to handle pretty much any injury thrown at them as they’re the deepest team in the league.
Key Player: Arian Foster – How and when he comes back from groin surgery will likely determine how far this squad goes. I’m sure Laker would be more comfortable with him as their RB2 over Ivory or Crowell.
11. Deadly Nagintas (P – 93.6%, C – 18.7%)
The Skinny: The Nagintas should battle with the Chalupas all year for Senor Crabs supremacy, and an EBFL title shot. The Nagintas have probably the best WR 1 through 5 in the league, but are full of question marks at running back. The defense is solid, with at least 2 high end players at each position, and should be a top 3 unit in the league. Could the Christine Michael trade to Dallas be the key to their season?
Key Player: Travis Kelce – There’s nothing behind him at TE, so the Nagintas will be counting on him heavily.
12. Greg Schiano is an Idiot (P – 97.2%, C – 24.1%)
The Skinny: This is what you call being all in. This team is loaded with elite talent, and despite being in the toughest division, should easily roll to the playoffs. They have significant positional advantages at DL and TE, to go along with the best WR in the game, and a trio of stud RB. The only thing bad I can say about this squad is their QB are pretty average. Dan has done a spectacular job rebuilding this team after a serious let down in 2014. He’s hands down the team to beat in 2015.
Key Player: Rob Gronkowski – The Idiots can probably recover from losing any one player but him. Scratch that, they can even lose him and still be fine, but he is their most significant piece. The only thing stopping this team is a handful of injuries.
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